Remember when you used to daydream about what kind of mom you’d be? In my head, I was cool and pulled-together — not unlike Kate Hudson in a rom-com. And dinnertime looked like a scene from Modern Family. And weekends were filled with picnics and laughing. Admittedly, those visions may have been a tad unrealistic, but I’m still constantly shocked at the things parenthood makes me do and say. R.I.P., former self.
1. Refer to myself as “mommy” in the third person. I actually can’t stop doing this even though it makes me hate myself a little bit every time. Example: “Let mommy just go pee pee before we leave.”
2. Along those lines … address my spouse as “daddy” just because our kid is in the room.
3. Use my spit to wipe a child’s face.
4. Allow hours (and hours) of screen time.
5. Pass on fun social invitations because they fall during nap time. I swore I wouldn’t be one of those people. I was wrong. There are few things in life that are more important than nap time.
6. Let my daughter snack ALL DAY. I always thought it was gross and unhealthy. I still do. I let my kid do it anyway.
7. Let my child wear truly terrible clothes. I gave up on picking out her outfits when she turned two. A recent example of what she wore to school. Yes. Out in public. >>>>>
8. Listen to kid music. My husband and I swore to each other (probably at 3 a.m. during a Phish concert in 2002) that we were soooo going to be those cool parents who take our children to concerts and expose them to good music. Now? I actually couldn’t think of anything worse than being at a concert with my child. We still see live music. We book a babysitter.
9. Poop with another human in the room.
10. Use bribes and ultimatums as my go-to source of discipline. It’s lazy and pathetic and it happens often. Jelly beans for breakfast are a very regular thing in our house.
11. Shower only, um, occasionally. (Wash my hair even less.)
12. Eat the disgusting, slobbered-on, unfinished food scraps off of my daughter’s plate (ham sandwich edges, half-eaten chicken nuggets, brown apple slices, crusty mac and cheese). Even worse? Sometimes I call that dinner.
13. So enjoy alone time. I used to be social! And I’m talking any alone time I can get: a commute on the Broad Street Line, a red-eye flights, an OB appointment … they all might as well be a trip to the spa.
14. Tell boring stories about my child’s life to coworkers even though I’m fully aware that they are boring. Like, the type of stories that only my mom would find interesting.