A Mother’s Bedtime Routine

My simple 53-step ritual Read more

a mother's bedtime routine

The Scene
10:45 p.m., any given weeknight

The Ritual
1. Washes face, brushes teeth. Applies moisturizing coconut oil.
2. Climbs into bed. Thinks to self: I’ll just settle in here with my book club book and wind down for a bit
3. Wait, did I pack Luke’s lunch for tomorrow?
4. Yes.
5. Or is that last night that I’m remembering?
6. No, it was definitely tonight because we had that whole conversation about how I couldn’t get the smell of musty old cheese out of it.
7. Ack, I forgot to order a new lunch bag.
8. Though I wonder what would happen if I bleached the old lunch bag? Would that get the old cheese smell out?
9. Is that even safe?
10. Maybe some baking soda, and if I leave it out in the sun?
11. I should just order a new one.
12. Wait, did I ever order diapers?
13. Gets phone out, checks Amazon account.
14. No.
15. Orders diapers.
16. Shit, the new lunch bag.  
17. Gets phone out, orders lunch bag.
18. Oooh, look at that cute thermos.
19. Reads reviews of thermos for 11 minutes.
20. Remembers that we have 7 thermoses.
21. Thermoses? Or thermi?
22. Remembers that
 only one of those thermoses has a working straw.
Looks up “replacement thermos straws” on Amazon.
Wait, isn’t there something besides BPA that I’m supposed to avoid?
25. Googles “toxic straws.”
26. Googles “best nontoxic, eco-friendly, dishwasher safe thermos straws.”
27. Finds terrifying, tragic story about some horrible accident involving children and straws.
28. Thinks about furniture anchors.
29. Could a child tip over a refrigerator?
30. I need to clean out the refrigerator.
31. Looks at husband, who has been asleep since 9:37 p.m.
32. Orders the first set of straws I originally saw.
33. Picks Kindle back up.
34. Wait, was this where I was? Scrolls back, trying to find the last bit of dialogue that feels familiar.
35. Ends up back at first page.
36. Hears toddler cough.
37. Picks up monitor.
38. Puts monitor down.
39. Picks Kindle back up.
40. Counts the days between now and book club, and divides the total number of pages by the number of days to see if it’s even humanly possible to finish in time.
41. I can easily read 73 pages a day.
42. I’ll start tomorrow.
43. Swipes over to the Mindy Kaling book that I’ve read approximately 56 times.
44. Comfort reads for two pages; falls asleep.
45. Hears cough on monitor.
46. 73 pages. I can do that. Tomorrow, I’ll read for two hours.
47. And clean out the fridge.
48. I should have at least tried the baking soda before I just bought a new lunch bag.
49. I wonder if there’s a place I can donate the bag I just bought? Luke can learn about giving.
50. If I can get the cheese smell out, I mean.
51. Bleach?
52. Lord, that terrible straw story.
53. Falls back asleep.